HSB Humour

Eb Soprano cornet: Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in
the band.
Principal cornet: Conceited, uses too much vibrato.
Second man down or bumper upper: Either thinks he would make a better principal, or
hero worships the principal.
Third man down: Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
Fourth man down: Like third man down, only louder and thicker!
Repiano cornet: Waiting for a chance to play principal.
2nd cornets: Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
3rd cornets: Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
Flugelhorn: Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
Solo horn: Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
Tenor horns: Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: Useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
Euphoniums: Show-off and trainee show-off
1st trombone: Steam driven. Rasps most of the time
2nd trombone: Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
Bass trombone: Chainsaw with vibrato
Eb basses: Look like two drunken farts
Bb basses: Sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!